You hate statistics, you despise maths, you stain your pants at the mention of sphericity. Normal people love these things, but you, barrel of number-fearing sputum that you are, are terrified. Afraid for your worthless life you leapt pathetically to the internet for guidance. A freak spark of lightening hit your house sending a bolt of electricity through your computer. Sparks flew like tendrils from the screen, fusing with your face and sucking your head and body into the number vortex that is statistics hell. Your crime is evacuating your bowels at the mention of a t-test, your punishment is eternity in statistics hell. I am the gatekeeper, the evil ruler of this world of numbers. Although you might confuse me for a human full of empathy and compassion for those taking their first wobbly steps through this horrific world of equations, underneath my skin I am numbers without a soul.